THERE was a time when St Helens, at the height of its industrial glory, could stake a reasonable claim to being the town with the most pubs in Britain. Probably the unquenchable thirst of its old-time coal miners, canal constructors, glassworkers and copper smelters and ore and lead pourers had a lot to do with this.

So thickly populated was the town-centre with well-patronised watering-holes that it was said that along Bridge Street alone it was impossible for even the most hard-bitten boozer to attempt to slurp down a gill at each pub along its length without ending up flat on his back long before completing the non-stop challenge.

So it's perhaps hardly surprising that a comedian visiting the St Helens Theatre Royal about 70 years ago, was inspired to pen a piece of patter, incorporating all (or at least most) of the pub names to be found around town at that time.

While some of them still exist, the majority of those traditional 'pit stops' now represent just a fading memory.

Nostalgia lover Derek Chisnall, a 70-year-old retired welder from Surrey Street, Parr, unearthed the comic gem in a bygone-times publication and has kindly forwarded it for the memory-jerking benefit of our veteran elbow-benders and the amusement of a younger generation of drinkers. The pubs incorporated carry capital letters.

The Queen Victoria Jubilee was attended by the Princess Royal and Queens from all over the Globe; and the Coach and Horses, flying the Royal Standard had a British Soldier on each side, carrying a Rifle - one being a Volunteer.

Then came the Prince of Wales on a Black Horse followed by the Duke of Cambridge on a White Horse, minus a Horse Shoe. The Queen - a Quiet Woman - was wearing a Golden Cross round her neck.

As they left the Abbey, the Running Horses looked great, the leading two being a Grey Horse and a Bay Horse. On the way back, Queen Alexandra wanted a change, so they went through the Park to see the Grapes in the Vine and watch the Cricketers at the Springfield.

Going through the Park they saw a Dog and Rabbit and a Greyhound running around. Not looking where they were going they bumped into Nancy wheeling a pram. On looking at the baby the Queen remarked: 'She looks like a Princess Royal'. She sent a Telegraph to Wellington asking him to meet her, to open the New Market. As he stepped off the Locomotive he ran into the Queen's Arms and trod on her toes. She told him to Bee Hive himself and gave him a clout. 'El Bess!' he said. 'that hurts! Then he went quiet as a Lamb.

On their way home, he thought he saw an Eagle, but discovered it was a Raven flying over Brown Edge with the Bird I'th Hand, and also a Griffin making off with a Swan. Then came a Black Bull chasing an Elephant. But a Lion, ignoring a Brown Cow, bit off the Bull's Head. Next, they encountered the Hare and Hounds chasing the Hen and Chickens. Soon there were feathers flying over the Railway bridge as the Engine was passing beneath. By this time, Alfred and George were tired and fell out of the Saddle on to a bed of Primrose under a Cherry Tree near the Bowling Green.

As they slept, both dreamed of an Angel with the Rising Sun shining on their Fleece-drawn faces; only to awake and see a Star. They though they heard the Ring o' Bells but only saw a Blue Bell near the Mill House.

Both then wanted a wash, so they went to the Baths, a Half Mile down Chester Lane. One bought a Ship called the Clarendon, renamed it Britannia and painted it Red, White and Blue. Lord Nelson was captain, and making sure it had a Rope and Anchor, they set sail from the Union.

Two crewmembers, Van Tromp and Bryn Hall, were playing leapfrog with two Oddfellows. The captain shouted: 'What's going on?' and they replied 'It's only our Original Vaults, sir!' The captain was furious and one never saw the Legs o' Man move so quickly. They arrived at Port Norton on St Patrick's Day and berthed next to the Flying Dutchman to Exchange cargo. On the way home, the ship's mascot, a Red Cat, was lost overboard. As the ship carried on to Plough through the storm, the Furnaceman's Arms were broken...one like a Bear's Paw.

Arriving home, the captain told three of the men to go to the Crystal Palace and come home via the Albion bus. At the hospital, the doctor greeted them, saying: 'Are you New Inn here?' 'Yes', they replied. The doctor roared with laughter and said: 'This is Cowley Hill (Vaults) maternity hospital!' They felt like Three Asses.

A NONSENSE tale it might have been, but what a fertile imagination to dream up a frothy act like that